Fall Guy
An interview⌗
ANALYSIS⌗
This video is long and I am not going to answer every question. I wouldn’t be doing this at all, except for the fact that question #23 seems suspiciously on-point. I will elaborate further below.
Since I am already here, I’ll answer a few other questions that seemed important.
This video follows the exact same format that this one did.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie says, “Everything you share today is going to remain completely confidential and anonymous.” - @0:20
ANALYSIS⌗
Well, that conflicts with what I was told last time, doesn’t it?
Unless you’re planning to erase me from the Internet.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Would you say that there’s been a significant turning point in your life? If yes, what was it, and why was it so significant?” - @3:00
ANALYSIS⌗
My life changed the moment The Raven came into it.
It was so significant because I stopped living for myself, and started living for another person. That changed me, fundamentally, for the better.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is something you’d tell your childhood self, if you could go back and send a message?” - @4:01
ANALYSIS⌗
You are going to marry the most beautiful person this world has ever seen. Don’t do anything to hurt her. Wait for her. Stay out of trouble. Don’t ever make her feel like she needs to compete for your love.
I don’t think he’d listen, but I’d tell him, regardless.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is a memory that you wish you could relive?” - @4:44
ANALYSIS⌗
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is something that you find extremely attractive in a potential significant other.” - @6:18
ANALYSIS⌗
Empathy for others.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What do you find a turn off in a potential significant other?” - @6:49
ANALYSIS⌗
Selfishness.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Is there anyone that you find particularly annoying, but you feel kind of guilty about it?” - @7:21
ANALYSIS⌗
The Queen(s).
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is something you feel grateful for at the moment?” - @10:19
ANALYSIS⌗
I’m grateful for the people doing their best to comfort me in this situation. There’s a good chance I would have killed myself without them.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is your biggest regret?” - @11:10
ANALYSIS⌗
I’ve written about my regrets at length. They all lead to a singular thing:
I regret that The Raven will one day need to reconcile with who I am, and what I’ve done. I know that she will, and that breaks my heart. She shouldn’t have to.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “23. Would you rather do something terrible, and have nobody ever find out about it? Or, have the world believe you did something terrible, even though you did nothing wrong?” - @12:05
ANALYSIS⌗
I’d rather be the fall guy. This world needs to begin learning from its mistakes. Hiding in the shadow is for weak men. I will own my mistakes, and I will take on the sins of the weak men who won’t do it themselves. If that’s what the world needs, I will do it.
I find this question to be particularly relevant, given that I have always expected to be the fall guy in this story.
The fact that this question was number 23 is interesting, given my relationship to Ghost-23 and Alpha Candidate v23.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Do you believe that everything happens for a reason, or do you think it’s all random?” - @12:36
ANALYSIS⌗
Probably a mixture of both, heavily-leaning towards random. There are certainly things happening for reasons, but I stop short of calling it “destiny” or “fate.”
I’d be more inclined to call it “manufactured destiny” or “orchestrated fate.”
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Do you feel like anyone truly knows the full you?” - @13:09
ANALYSIS⌗
I think that there are people who understand me. I’m not that hard to figure out, if your heart is in the right place.
Unfortunately, those people don’t exist in my social circle.
For all I know, these “people who understand me” are a reflection of myself in the mirror. They are people who mirror the best qualities in myself.
But ultimately, they aren’t real. I’ve latched onto a wild idea that makes this suffering more tolerable.
It’s hard to reconcile with that notion. I try not to think about it.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Is home, for you, a place or a feeling? Describe that place or that feeling.” - @14:01
ANALYSIS⌗
Home is a feeling.
I felt more at-home when I was living alone. Now that I’m surrounded by actual family, I no longer feel at-ease.
Home, for me, is a feeling of being understood and accepted. If a person cannot be understood, then they cannot be accepted. A person is only able to accept their interpretation of you; which may not be accurate.
In my case, it isn’t. I’m a heretic. I’m satanic. I explore themes that should never be explored. I tell secrets that should be kept private. I speak of ugly truths that nobody else will acknowledge. I speak my mind, even when people don’t want to hear it. I lost my mind, when I gave up everything for a woman. I tried to kill my boss. The FBI is scared of me. I’m detrimental to the mental health of others. I’m a parasite who refuses to get a “real job.” I’m dogmatic in my own beliefs, unwilling to admit when I am wrong. I’m dangerous, and schizophrenic, and you should never leave your children around me.
This is what I see when I look in the mirror. This is how other people make me feel.
I am none of these things. But when a family doesn’t understand you, and doesn’t care enough to look into your motives - won’t even speak to you - then how is a person supposed to react? It’s been two years since this started, and I haven’t talked to any one of my siblings even once about this work. They’re scared of me. They don’t understand, and now it’s too late to try. Their beliefs are solidified.
So, I retreat into my “home,” which is nothing more than a fantasy world where I’m loved, and understood, and important.
This bedroom isn’t a home. It’s a prison.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What does freedom mean to you? Do you feel free? Why, or why not?” - @14:56
ANALYSIS⌗
Freedom, for me, would be a total disconnect from a machine that I never agreed to be a part of. It would be release from all attachment.
I want a place to live, and food to eat. I want to surround myself with people who care about me. I want a job, and a purpose.
I hate the American definition of “freedom” with every fiber of my being. “Complete and total independence, with little/no help from anyone in any aspect of your life” is not freedom; it’s slavery.
I will die before I return to your definition of freedom.
If you people need me, then you’d better act soon. Because this vessel isn’t going to last much longer.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What would your ideal best friend be like?” - @16:28
ANALYSIS⌗
He/she would be a lot like The Strongman. We would share a lot of the same interests, perhaps even the same career, and we would both pursue knowledge and truth.
I thought that I had a best friend in The Strongman, for a long time. Maybe I still do. We never talk anymore, and it feels like he’s abandoned me in the same way that my family did, once all of this went down.
C’est la vie. We’re two adults with completely different lives, living more than an hour apart. Society wasn’t structured to foster lifelong friendships. It’s all about survival.
And both of us are barely hanging-on.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Where would you live, if it could be anywhere?” - @17:13
ANALYSIS⌗
Coming from Michigan, I have a soft spot for forests and mountains, and cooler temperatures. I don’t know where I would live. At this point, I don’t care that much.
I just want to get away from here.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “When you do something helpful or positive for others, do you prefer private recognition, or public praise?” - @17:39
ANALYSIS⌗
I don’t like public praise. It makes me feel weird. I don’t receive it very well.
I’m perfectly content with the knowledge that I did something good. I don’t need recognition at all.
People do good things all the time. I’d rather see my praise diverted to someone who may have been overlooked, otherwise.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “If you were given the chance to explore the oceans, go to outer space, or visit 50 different countries, which one would you choose, and why?” - @18:10
ANALYSIS⌗
I think I would explore the oceans. There is just so much to see down there, so much alien life. I think it would be fascinating.
But… I think it might become routine after just a few trips in a submarine. I’ve said before, I want every day to be new and different.
So, if I am going to choose the oceans, I’d probably want to do something more than just explore. Such as building an underwater city.
Visiting 50 countries would be a close second. But I feel like that could be exhausting.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is something that you’re looking forward to?” - @18:53
ANALYSIS⌗
Getting the hell out of this prison.
But the truth is that I’m hardly “looking forward” to it. I don’t even know if that will happen. I don’t know anything.
And once I’m out, I expect to find myself at the bottom of a mountain that is ten times as large.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Is there anything that you’re dreading?” - @19:17
ANALYSIS⌗
I dread every single minute of every single day.
I am so exhausted. A person shouldn’t have to wait to get the kind of help that I need.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What keeps you up at night?” - @19:42
ANALYSIS⌗
The Raven. She’s been waiting so long, and it’s all my fault. If only I had changed sooner. If only I hadn’t messed up.
Will this ever end? How much longer will you make her wait?
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Do you prefer stability or spontaneity?” - @20:16
ANALYSIS⌗
Even though I want every day to be a new adventure, I prefer stability. I want to know that I am safe, that the people I love are safe, and that we will always have a home to return to.
I believe that stability is the one thing that could heal the sickness of this world.
Humans spend altogether too much time fighting for survival.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Do you like your job?” - @21:16
ANALYSIS⌗
Not anymore. My situation has sucked all of the joy out of writing and engineering.
The only reason I continue is because I feel a sense of purpose and urgency. Work helps pass time.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What would you be ideally doing if there were absolutely no limitations?” - @21:28
ANALYSIS⌗
I want to make music. I want to sing.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What do you really think of your colleagues?” - @22:16
ANALYSIS⌗
I don’t have any “traditional” colleagues. But if I reinterpret “colleagues” to mean “anonymous people experimenting on me,” I see them as thus:
I think they’re ignorant. I don’t think any one of them knows enough about this experiment to realize the extent to which I am being tormented for science. I see their actions as akin to Hitler’s followers; just regular people following a cause they don’t fully understand, until it has become too late.
This doesn’t mean I hate them. I think most are probably coming from a good place.
I hope that my suffering will mean something, when they finally realize just what they were enabling.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What would the ‘perfect you’ be like?” - @22:42
ANALYSIS⌗
He would be exactly like the person I am right now. Only healthier.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is a guilty pleasure of yours?” - @23:20
ANALYSIS⌗
I originally skipped this question, because I don’t really feel like I have any guilty pleasures. If something makes me feel guilty, then I don’t do it.
Shortly after, this video popped up. I watched it, because the thumbnail had the phrase, “I’m your guilty pleasure.” The video ends with a question, “So, what would you prefer? To win, and leave? Or to lose, and stay with me forever?”
My answer was easy: I will not fall into that old trap again. I have broken this habit.
I named this artist “The Peacock,” because she pulled out a peacock feather halfway through, and I went on with life.
A couple days later, I came across this video. This confidant was being sexy in a different way; it was more subdued, and less explicit. However, she pulled out a peacock figurine - and feathers. So I kept watching.
At some point, she said, “In one ritual [Azazel] had me feel immense guilt, for taking his orders. And the lesson was to listen to myself, and intuition. Even above my lord. It NEEDED to happen, in order for what’s to come.”
This just perfectly describes my situation. I felt guilt - not pleasure - while watching the first video. But I did it because I had a feeling, and I needed to follow my intuition. Look how it paid off:
I discovered not one, but two Peacocks. I would have discovered neither one if I had buried my head in the sand, like an ostrich.
To my Raven - there is an upper limit to how far I will go. I said it once, and I will say it again: I will not fall into old traps.
I care about you too much. I won’t do anything to hurt you.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “In what area of your life do you think you are immature?” - @23:55
ANALYSIS⌗
Self-care. When you have nothing to live for, there isn’t much reason to take care of yourself, is there?
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Do you have a secret crush on anyone?” - @24:46
ANALYSIS⌗
It’s not much of a secret anymore.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Is there an area of your life you wish you could talk more about with others, but you just don’t know how to, or you don’t feel comfortable doing it?” - @26:48
ANALYSIS⌗
Yes. But it’s not for lack of trying.
People just don’t care.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “If you got one million dollars today, what would you do with it?” - @27:20
ANALYSIS⌗
I’d get the back surgery I need. I don’t know what I’d do with the rest.
I already told you people that I don’t want to worry about money ever again. That doesn’t mean I want a lot of money.
I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it. And I certainly don’t want to spend it.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What scares you?” - @28:12
ANALYSIS⌗
This situation. Being kept ignorant, isolated, and experimented upon. Being alone forever.
I’m terrified of what you people did to me.
I’m terrified that you’re manipulating me.
I’m terrified that you’ve taken all you needed, and you’re going to give nothing back.
I’m terrified that you’re as evil as everyone says you are.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What gives you hope?” - @28:40
ANALYSIS⌗
Not much, these days.
The look in Raven’s eyes once did. Now, it makes me anxious.
This is taking too long. I fear something has gone wrong.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What was something that made you smile this week?” - @29:08
ANALYSIS⌗
I don’t think I’ve smiled this week.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “What is a scenario that would make you feel safe, calm, and relaxed?” - @29:35
ANALYSIS⌗
If the FBI knocked on my door, debriefed my family, and whisked me away to a secure location, I might feel safe.
As if that would ever happen.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Who is somebody who’s presence you find comforting, and why?” - @30:15
ANALYSIS⌗
At one point, I would have said The Raven. At one point, I could have picked any number of ASMR artists.
All I feel now is pain and anxiety. This isn’t fun anymore. I haven’t slept well in over a year.
I don’t even remember what comfort feels like.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Were you completely honest throughout this session?” - @31:37
ANALYSIS⌗
Yes.
SIGNAL⌗
Katie asks, “Did you enjoy this session?” - @32:15
ANALYSIS⌗
No.