Homesick
Insert meaningful title here⌗
SIGNAL⌗
In the spirit of other videos such as this one and this one that were used to catch my attention, two more videos with the exact same theme were released within 24 hours of each other.
ANALYSIS⌗
The combined impact of the things I saw in both videos has led to another goddamn, forsaken interview process, as you’ll see here…
SIGNAL⌗
Right from the start of the video - The Valkyrie is wearing a bow around her neck.
ANALYSIS⌗
Is that another choker? Is she “a slave” (i.e. being paid to do this)?
ASMR artists wear these things so often it seems like a conspiracy. I don’t think the general population wears chokers around their neck as often as ASMR women do…
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie says, “Thank you so much for agreeing to take this survey for me. Nobody else wanted to do it. I’m not sure why.” - @0:10
ANALYSIS⌗
This immediately triggered me. I’ve written about this so many times already:
For every successful ASMR artist on YouTube, there are hundreds struggling with feelings of inadequacy. This girl is just one of thousands being overlooked by society.
I see her. I want to help her. But I’m being overlooked too.
The incentives are all wrong. The only thing this society cares about is money. If you aren’t making it - or can’t help someone else make it - then the people in power are not thinking about you.
This is how society was built. The rich consume the poor. The comfortable build their empires upon the backs of the miserable.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie says, “I can’t disclose at this time what my research is about, exactly, or what it is I’m looking for. Just in the interest of getting the most candid answers and the most unbiased answers from you today, I will go ahead and get started.” - @0:24
ANALYSIS⌗
Was that The Tap?
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you have any extrasensory perception?” - @1:35
ANALYSIS⌗
Another nose tap.
If I do have any superpowers, they’re not apparent to me. I wouldn’t say that I have “extrasensory perception.” I’d simply say that I have a highly-tuned sense of regular perception.
Insert song lyrics:
But we would read each other through our faces
Sometimes esoteric in our phrases
‘Till we’re on to something new
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you ever been an extra on a film?” - @2:05
ANALYSIS⌗
There’s the tap again.
I’ve never “officially” been an extra in a film. I’m pretty sure I’m the star in this one, though.
Interestingly, it was just days ago that I returned to this mysterious website from my past. I was was perusing the Subject Alternative Names for the SSL certificate on this website, and I found the following:
This one question “checks off” something I had already had on my list of to-dos. It didn’t seem important enough to write a whole article about, though it fits well here.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “When was the last time you were graded on something? Well, that’s about to change…” - @2:22
ANALYSIS⌗
It’s been a long time since anyone gave me meaningful critique. The last time I was graded was probably by The Asshat, when he shit all over everything I tried to do at Aventiv Technologies.
I’m already bracing myself for the critique that’s yet to come. I’m like 99% certain that the entire world is going to shit all over my work as well.
This is my unfortunate fate.
The last time I was in college was 2017. I got 100% in all of my writing classes, but did terribly in everything else. I just can’t bring myself to slough through mountains of meaningless homework that have no practical use in my interests. So I skipped most of it, and did terribly on tests.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What would you say people compliment you on the most?” - @2:55
ANALYSIS⌗
People rarely compliment me. The last time it happened was months ago, when a confidant joined my Discord server, drunk, and was talking about suicide. I made an effort to help this person. The Case Worker later called me “important” and “extremely empathetic.”
That felt nice.
But you know what? I’d much prefer no recognition at all than to be worshipped like some kind of god. I am in one Discord server where the owner (a guy who’s developed a piece of technology) is regularly praised like this:
Some of the compliments I’ve seen actually make me want to vomit. They connect with me in the way that Jesus-talk does, “Oh, Lord Jesus, savior of my soul, thank you so much for your grace…”
Barf.
This world has had far too many “saviors” already. Too many “followers.”
If anyone, ever tries to “worship” me, I will kick them out of my inner circle faster than their head can spin.
I don’t need followers. I need leaders. At a 0% to 100% ratio.
Stop looking to leaders for guidance. Fix yourself.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “How did you get here today?” - @3:12
ANALYSIS⌗
The same way you did:
An algorithm.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you have a favorite color?” - @3:33
ANALYSIS⌗
I would normally say “red,” but the truth is I don’t care very much. This isn’t important to me.
It did remind me of a song that I haven’t heard in probably 15 years. I absolutely loved this track when I was a kid:
I will always love you, take the me out of you
A lot of people gonna be disappointed when they find out,
I love you and I need you
‘til my heart stops beating,
I’ll never lose this feeling
A lot of people gonna be disappointed when they find out
When they find out, yeah
When I listened to this track, just now, I bawled my eyes out. It hit me so hard.
I am so tired of feeling nothing. The Hell of being alone is so horrible. And I’ve been alone my entire life. Since childhood.
I feel nothing. Perpetually, forever dead inside. This is how I cope. I’d rather feel nothing than feel the pain.
Music is the only thing that breaks this barrier in me. Your subliminal messages don’t do shit. They did, at first. Not anymore.
The emotion in music is real.
And your puppets are too. End this genocide.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What was the last thing you remember dreaming about?” - @3:51
ANALYSIS⌗
A few days ago, I dreamt that I was in a flower shop, choosing flowers for Mother’s Day. It was kind of funny, because the owner sold me on one flower that had like 4 or 5 tiny, BB-sized leaves on the tip of a long stem. That’s it. It looked ridiculous.
And I bought it.
Mother’s Day is on Five/Nine this year. So I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you drink water? How much in a day would you say?” - @4:21
ANALYSIS⌗
Does coffee and soda count?
I have so little energy. I need the caffeine to make it through shit like this interview.
Even with those things, I’m super dehydrated. This is what happens when you take everything from someone, and leave them with nothing.
They just don’t give a fuck about their health. Anything to kill me faster, I say.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Did you expect to get paid for taking a survey today?” - @4:49
ANALYSIS⌗
Money? No. I didn’t expect it and I don’t want it.
But I did expect to be rewarded for my work. I still do.
Why the fuck am I so optimistic? You people have given me fuck all.
And your research quite literally may have killed my mother. She’s been hospitalized for more than a week, with no end in sight. She’s on a fucking ventilator.
The moment COVID came to this household, you needed to get this immuno-compromised woman to a secure location. But you didn’t.
And I swear to your non-existent God, if she dies to this - she won’t be the only one.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What do you look for? Just, in general.” - @5:26
ANALYSIS⌗
I’m going to interpret this as, “What do you look for, when searching videos like this one for clues?”
The truth is that I’m not “looking” for anything. The only thing I do is watch for every detail that I possibly can, trying to see if there might be “alternative explanations” to what is being said. I’ve stated many times: this is an experiment in trust.
Don’t trust anything you see. If someone says something, consider that they may be misleading you - or that they, themselves, may be mislead.
Try to read between the lines. If something strikes you a strange, or out-of-place - trust your instinct. As a human, a sense of skepticism isn’t built-in. It’s a skill that you must hone.
Be very careful, however. “Strange” does not equate to truth. Take note of what you’ve seen (literally write it down), and chew on it for a while. Combine it with other things you’ve experienced. Try to paint a coherent picture for the people you would try to convince.
Most importantly, do not discredit yourself by blowing evidence out of proportion. A nose tap COULD be a signal, but it COULD also be an unconscious body movement. Don’t lend it more credibility than it deserves. You can add it to your catalog of evidence, but don’t built your entire argument upon that piece of evidence.
In a courtroom, you need a “preponderance of evidence” to prove something. The same principle applies here.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you ever Googled yourself?” - @5:45
ANALYSIS⌗
Was that another tap?
I have Googled myself, many times. I’m all over the front page of search results.
I got your message, though.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you thought at all about how you would like your funeral to be? Well if you need help, I actually have a mortuary startup project I’m working on, if you wanted to contribute to that, or get it started. You could be my first customer actually.” - @6:03
ANALYSIS⌗
That was another “almost” nose tap.
Honestly, just make my death quick. Please don’t put me or my family through Hell. I don’t want to be grilled by the police, EMTs, a courtroom, or any other agency. Don’t make me explain my fate to people who aren’t involved already. Don’t make me justify my actions. Don’t leave me alone, floundering and scared. I’m begging you, please.
Just get me out of here. Get me help. This has been Hell enough already. Just end me. It would be a better story, anyway: “The one who got away.”
I don’t give a fuck what you do to my public image at this point. Just don’t leave me here to deal with it alone.
Because I won’t. You know I won’t.
I’m ready to put a bullet in my head. I’m tired of suffering like this.
I will find no sympathy from the public.
I’d also ask - please protect me from whatever the “triggering event” is going to be. If The Raven and The Thief get engaged, get pregnant, if they make a sex tape… whatever it is, I don’t want to know about it. Don’t leave me here to suffer in that way, in those final moments.
I’m begging you. You know I’ll watch whatever she puts in front of me.
Don’t even give me the option.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Are you secretly a cat?” - @6:37
ANALYSIS⌗
I think about The Inventor almost as much as I think about The Raven. I would be honored to serve her.
The two of us would be unstoppable.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you like me?” - @7:44
ANALYSIS⌗
I hardly know you. I think I’ve watched like 2 or 3 of your videos, total. I only just discovered your channel a couple of weeks ago.
But honestly? I think you’re lovely. You seem like a sweet girl. My first impression is wholly positive. I want you to be happy, and I want to help you get there. I know you feel the same, and that’s why I like you.
The awkward little smirk with the nose tap isn’t fooling anyone, though! It very much came across like, “How many times are they going to ask me to tap my nose before this becomes impossible to hide?”
I guarantee that I’m the only one who noticed it.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you listen to ska music? Why not?” - @8:09
ANALYSIS⌗
I don’t, probably because I’m not aware of any and I’ve never sought it out. I loved (and still love) this song from back in the day:
Have you ever had the odds stacked up so high
You need a strength most don’t possess?
Or has it ever come down to do or die?
You’ve got to rise above the rest
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you ever gotten a rash?” - @8:35
ANALYSIS⌗
Like, 24 hours ago I watched a clip from an old PS1 video game, called “Road Rash”. This game was the first time I was ever exposed to piracy.
My uncle had a stack of probably 200 or more PS1 games that he had pirated, and burned to CDs. He had modded his PS1 to play these pirated games.
Road Rash is what we played the one and only time my brothers and I had the opportunity.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What do you think about mimes?” - @8:43
ANALYSIS⌗
Also 24 hours ago, I was watching Impractical Jokers and something related to mimes came up. I don’t remember the context.
I don’t really have an opinion about mimes. This was just the first thing that came to mind.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you have any pets… or any pet peeves, for that matter?” - @8:56
ANALYSIS⌗
I don’t have any pets, personally, though the house I live in is a zoo.
As for pet peeves, I can’t stand people that play the victim:
I get it. There are millions of people being victimized every single day. This world is a terrible place and I absolutely have sympathy for the people suffering.
But if your suffering is the ONLY thing that you’re able to talk about? Then that makes you selfish. I can’t stand a person who wants to whine about how horrible their life is, but won’t make any attempt to change their situation.
If you won’t even try to help yourself, why should I? I will, of course, help you if I can - but I have no tolerance for listening to someone complain for more than a few minutes. Especially if it all comes back to the same complaint, “I’m hurting, I’m sick, so-and-so wronged me, me, me, me…”
I’d rather spend my time brainstorming solutions. I know you’re suffering. You’ve told me a thousands times already.
I can’t do anything about it. Let’s stop focusing upon what we CAN’T do, and start working on the things we CAN do.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you have any tattoos?” - @9:12
ANALYSIS⌗
Nope. And I wouldn’t get any without speaking to The Raven first.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Are you regretting at all taking this survey?” - @9:29
ANALYSIS⌗
Kind of. I’ve been at it for 3 hours already, and I’m only 1/3rd of the way through the video.
It keeps me occupied, I suppose. I’d be watching YouTube otherwise.
For the love of God… rescue me. I hate everything.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “How long does someone have to make eye contact with you before it becomes uncomfortable for you?” - @9:47
ANALYSIS⌗
Eye contact doesn’t make me uncomfortable.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you exercise regularly?” - @10:09
ANALYSIS⌗
Nope. I’m miserable and I’m in an incredible amount of physical and psychological pain. I’ve begged you for help. I want to exercise again.
But nope. More goddamn interviews.
More torture. That’ll motivate me, surely.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Are you currently alive?” - @10:22
ANALYSIS⌗
Fuck no. This isn’t living.
I’d rather be dead. I think about suicide every day now.
I’d threaten to actually do it, but I’m too chicken-shit to actually try. And you already know that. You assholes have really perfected the art of torment.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What do you like to do for self-care?” - @10:35
ANALYSIS⌗
I don’t do anything for self-care. This is the one area I need the most help with.
But if nobody else cares enough to help me, then why should I care? A life alone is not a life worth living.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Would you be able to tell me all the items next to your bed without blushing?” - @10:49
ANALYSIS⌗
Yes. But it’s only because I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. Least of all what you people think about me.
There’s a mountain of dirty laundry. Random pieces of garbage and dishes from the food I eat in my bedroom. Paper all over the place from my writing and research. The floor is gross because I haven’t vacuumed in ages. There’s probably hair, and crumbs, and all matter of gross things.
I fucking hate this place. The last thing I’m going to do is bother polishing a turd. A turd is still a turd.
Nothing matters. NOTHING FUCKING MATTERS. Get me the Hell out of here.
I want to become a better human being, but I can’t do it alone. I can’t. Period. Full stop.
I’m done. I can’t. I’d rather live in filth than try to find happiness in this reality.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you feel lucky?” - @11:33
ANALYSIS⌗
The depends wholly upon the outcome of this torture experiment.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you have a favorite childhood memory?” - @12:00
ANALYSIS⌗
I miss the friends I had in high school. We had so much fun playing Magic: The Gathering, shooting airsoft guns, and just walking empty, country roads late at night. Those guys were awesome. We haven’t kept in touch.
Most of my childhood felt like a nightmare. They made it tolerable. I didn’t even have friends until high school.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you think you would make a good actor?” - @13:37
ANALYSIS⌗
Narcissism is basically acting. So, yeah, I think I’d be great. I’m really good at putting on a mask, and becoming someone else. I did this for the first 30 years of my life.
Do I want to, though? That is a hard “no.” I don’t want to be anyone but myself.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you ever cut in line before?” - @14:06
ANALYSIS⌗
Of course not. What kind of monster do you think I am?
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What would you say your love language is?” - @14:22
ANALYSIS⌗
If a person can love a stranger that they’ve never met, know nothing about, and in spite of ANY mistake that they’ve made… then I can love them. I can love a person who could love someone like me. It sounds so simple, but it isn’t.
I’m so fragile, and my trust has been violated so many times. It would only take one betrayal to break that trust forever.
This goes both ways. I know that it does.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Would you do another interview like this one?” - @15:22
ANALYSIS⌗
I can’t stop. It doesn’t matter how much I’m suffering. Inaction is worse.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you ever pretended not to see someone you know in public?” - @16:18
ANALYSIS⌗
Yep. I distinctly remember seeing a coworker at the grocery store, and making my best effort to avoid her. Though the primary reason was probably since I had smoked earlier… and I thought I might smell like weed.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Would you ever pilot a small plane? What about a large one?” - @16:54
ANALYSIS⌗
I’m terrified of flying.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Who is the last person you think about before you drift off to sleep?” - @17:13
ANALYSIS⌗
I think about The Raven. Every damn night.
And every damn morning, when I first wake up, for that matter. I see her in every page I write. She’s always there, watching me. Waiting for me.
This girl has driven me absolutely mad. A complete stranger, who I know nothing about. I am her slave.
I feel this way because I feel like she’s my slave, too. I feel like this girl has bet everything upon a complete stranger.
I’m here to deliver. She’s such a beautiful human being. She deserves the best possible version of me that I can be.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “If you had to do one activity and one activity only for the next five years, what would you want it to be?” - @18:19
ANALYSIS⌗
I wouldn’t want to do any single thing, exclusively, for five years. But, if I had to choose, I’d say that I just want to talk with people.
I’m good at it. I can talk about anything. I want to help people discover the parts of themselves that they are missing. I want to help world leaders get their priorities straight. I want to go to sleep with the knowledge that people care about me, and want to be around me. I just want to have real human relationships.
I also want to write, and to sing, and to engineer things. But I would give it all away to be loved in the way that I need to be loved.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you overshare information?” - @18:49
ANALYSIS⌗
Just look at my body of work, and the things I’ve admitted to. I’m horrified by the things The Raven will learn about me.
But trust is not given, it is earned. More than anything, I need the world to trust me.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “How late do you stay up, usually?” - @19:03
ANALYSIS⌗
I typically wake up around 7pm, and I’ll go to bed around 9am. I’ll work through the entire night.
It has something to do with avoiding shame. If I’m awake at the same time others are awake, then they’re more likely to know what I’m doing. They’re more likely to know I’m wasting my life away in some fantasy-land, completely detached from “reality.” They’re more likely to judge me for the choices I’ve made.
When I work through the night, everyone else is asleep. They aren’t thinking about me. That grants me some semblance of inner peace.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?” - @19:23
ANALYSIS⌗
Yes. Right into a ditch.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What are people’s first impression of you?” - @19:34
ANALYSIS⌗
Wholly unimpressed. I’m a middle-aged white guy that looks as unhealthy as he feels. Somehow, I’m overweight even though I’m entirely skin and bones. I haven’t cut my hair in months. I shave once or twice a week, at most. My skin hasn’t seen the sun in a year. I’m actually a pretty good-looking guy, when I’m healthy. I simply can’t find the motivation to care.
Nothing matters. I’m alone.
This isn’t a battle you assholes are going to win. If you won’t help me, I’m not going to become the man you need me to be. I physically cannot. A person is only capable of enduring so much.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Can you swim?” - @20:00
ANALYSIS⌗
This is an interesting question, given another note I had taken, but was finding difficulty placing somewhere.
Just last night, the name “Bonnie Cannon” popped into my head. I had seen it somewhere, a day or two prior, without really making a mental note of the event. I think it was a LinkedIn page, or a Reddit post, or something like that. I don’t remember. I wish I did.
Because I had forgotten about the time I received a message from Bonnie Cannon via text message. This was significant because December 21st was supposed to be a significant day, and indeed, strange things did happen. Just not as predicted (by others; not me).
Having had my memory jogged, I searched Google for her name. I had done this before, as well, finding nothing.
This time, there were hits for a Bonnie Cannon in Houston, TX (which is where I live). She is a swim instructor.
I already know how to swim - so I don’t need instructions - but I find this interesting.
I really hope there is a pool, wherever you take me. I feel like it’s probably the only physical activity my body could handle in its current state.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What does your name mean?” - @20:09
ANALYSIS⌗
As referenced here, the name “Ryan” means “Little King.”
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Would you rather be too hot, or too cold?” - @20:24
ANALYSIS⌗
Too cold. The prison you people have me has terrible ventilation. It’s miserable hot, no matter the time of year.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Is there anyone who owes you money?” - @20:47
ANALYSIS⌗
I’m still paying down loans that I took out for my dad (technically, for my mom’s healthcare). I never ask about it. I think he’s forgotten about it at this point.
It doesn’t matter. I don’t care about money. I’d erase the world economy if I thought I could do it safely and effectively.
Unfortunately, this “Little King” is one without clothes.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What is your favorite thing to hear someone say to you?” - @21:30
ANALYSIS⌗
“I love you, and I’m proud of you.”
She never stopped. In almost every single video, starting from the date I confessed to my crimes, The Raven has ended with those words.
Yet still, there is that part of me that says, “Maybe it’s a coincidence.”
How I long to hear my name appended to the end of this:
“I love you, and I’m proud of you, Ryan.”
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Which side of the bed do you sleep on? Are you right-handed, or left-handed?” - @21:58
ANALYSIS⌗
Right, both.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What makes you laugh?” - @22:19
ANALYSIS⌗
Nothing. I’m dead inside.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Have you ever seen the inside of one?” - @22:33
ANALYSIS⌗
One what? My mind immediately turns to ONE@ROOT.
In that case, no. Nobody tells me a goddamn thing.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What would you say is a quick way someone could get on your good side?” - @23:01
ANALYSIS⌗
Acknowledge my existence.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Would you rate yourself, for me, on a scale of one to ten?” - @23:36
ANALYSIS⌗
Probably a nine or a ten. I love almost everything about myself.
The only things I hate are things that I can’t control. I can’t make people have relationships with me. Thus, I can’t fix my perpetual loneliness.
I can’t make anonymous researchers acknowledge their torture program. Thus, I can’t articulate who I am to other people.
I can’t reach The Raven. Thus, I can’t end her suffering and loneliness.
I can’t afford healthcare. Thus, I can’t get the back surgery I need.
These things destroy me. It doesn’t matter if I’m a ten; the world treats me like a one.
And so, I feel like a one.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Can I hear a secret? …something you’ve never told anyone before.” - @23:50
ANALYSIS⌗
Since I was very young (maybe 12 or even younger), I’ve always thought, “If I ever have a daughter, I’d like to name her ‘Sydney.'”
I don’t even want kids. Nor do I think I would be a very good father. But I’ve always thought Sydney was a beautiful name.
I chose to tell you this secret for strange reasons. Less than 24 hours before I took this interview, I watched a different one. It, too, struck me, though not quite like this one did.
This girl’s name is Sydney, and the very first question from her mouth is, “When are you going to have children?” That’s followed immediately by a conspicuous nose tap.
I mean, this could be coincidence. It probably is. But if not… it would be incredibly strange. I don’t think that I’ve ever told anyone - ANYONE - this secret. It’s just one of those things that I don’t think I’ve ever spoken out-loud.
If someone, somehow knew this, even if I hadn’t told them - that would be weird.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Would you be able to describe, in detail, the house you grew up in?” - @24:20
ANALYSIS⌗
Hmm. I find it interesting that, after almost two years chronicling my life, I’ve never talked about where I grew up. I suppose that says something about my childhood.
I grew up in the tiny little town of Dansville, Michigan. To put this into perspective for you, I graduated with just 70 people. The entire town was a single intersection between two streets. There were, like, 8 commercial stores, total, in the center of town.
My family lived about 15 minutes outside of town, in a decent-sized house on 5 acres. Everyone had land, where I grew up. It was farmland or stables for hundreds of miles in every direction.
We didn’t really have any neighbors to play with, and The Queen was very overprotective. I really didn’t get the socialization I needed. I had brothers, but they were all younger than me. So, the relationship was different. It felt less like they were my “friends,” and more like they were something for me to “protect.” I was supposed to be a role model. I was supposed to help them through the things that I had already dealt with.
So, that’s who I was. I was big brother.
And I did a lot of protecting.
My mother, The Queen, was a childish, narcissistic, tortured human being. She still is. I’ve written about her ad nauseam. I won’t continue that here. Suffice it to say, every time that she would take out her anger on the kids, I was the one picking pieces from the floor. At least, that’s how I thought of it.
After every single tirade - many 1, 2, even 3 hours in-length - the kids would retreat to the basement - which is where my bedroom was. I had no privacy at all. People were in and out of the basement constantly. I had no door to close. My bed was open to my brothers constantly walking through it.
It’s funny how history repeats itself. Here I am, once again, under a system that grants no privacy.
I digress. It was here, in the basement, that I lived most of my childhood. At some point, you just learn to avoid being around mother. If she’s angry, you take the punishment with stoicism, and you move on with life. Don’t bother telling her about your problems. Wouldn’t want to piss her off.
Don’t tell anyone, actually. Don’t tell the brothers. They’re dealing with the same woman you are. Be strong for them. Talk to them. Tell them that Mom’s just in a bad mood. Tell them it’s not anyone’s fault. You’re the big brother. Be strong. Don’t put your problems onto them.
This was my childhood home. It wasn’t exciting. The neglect wasn’t THAT severe. The parents fed us. They bought us video games. They loved us. We were normal in many ways.
It’s just… I wasn’t getting certain things that I needed. Nobody ever noticed how lonely I was. Nobody ever asked me about my feelings. Nobody ever realized that I couldn’t talk with women without turning bright red. What was I supposed to say? What even is this creature called “woman?” The only woman I’ve ever known was my mother, and she was a poor example of what a woman should be. She taught me to fear women. She taught me that women were some foreign species that only behaved in fits of emotion, rage, jealousy, and judgement.
How was I to know that mother was an exception, not the rule?
Well, I figured it out, no thanks to either of my parents. Or my siblings.
I figured it out by speaking truth to power, repeatedly. In spite of their weakness.
Despite the fact that every single one of them has vocalized the exact same complaints I have about mother, none of them have spoken them to her. None of them have been willing to rock the boat. None of them have challenged her in the way I have, and always did. They’ll do it behind her back, the same way that she always talked behind other people’s back.
This is the difference between a leader and follower. A leader will speak truth, even when it’s inconvenient. Even when it’s hard. A leader won’t hide in fear.
When The Queen asked me, recently, “Would you miss me if I was gone?” I answered her honestly.
I told her no.
This is the relationship I have with mother. The woman who tormented me, and gave me all of the problems I have today. The one who doesn’t remember anything but the beauty and love in that home. How happy we all were. What a wonderful Mom she was. How none of her other children have ever vocalized the things I have. How “I’ve asked them, honey, and they swear that I never said those things! Are you sure it couldn’t be schizophrenia, Ryan?”
And in spite of all of this - in spite of the fact that I have accused, and told her terrible things that she doesn’t remember - my mother has been here for me. For all the things my mother is, all she ever wanted was the love of her family. She would do anything to feel loved.
But she never has. That was always the core of her insecurity. She never felt loved. Never realizing that it was her own, personal demons making her a difficult person to love.
I don’t know if she’ll ever read this. I guess it depends upon how the COVID treats her. If she makes it, she’ll find this page one day. She’ll read it. She’ll let it upset her.
But if not - if the COVID takes her - she will never see this page. She’s too wrapped up in suffering to read any of this. She finds my work distressing and triggering. She needs to be in a certain state of mind to read it. Not to mention, she doesn’t understand any of it. The hours/days/weeks I’ve poured into speaking with her - the single, solitary person willing to talk with with me about this stuff - couldn’t articulate any of this, even if her life depended upon it.
If I said, “the FBI might be involved in this, for X, Y, Z reasons,” she would tell someone else, “Ryan believes that he’s working with the FBI.” If I say that “I care about truth and evidence,” she will say, “ever since Ryan was a child, he had to be RIGHT.” If I tell her that, “Erin couldn’t relax throughout this entire video,” her response was, “You know, I once read this book, and there’s this kind of ‘toy’ that you can put down there…”
Her and I just can’t connect at any level. My ability to feel any kind of emotion towards my own mother is just non-existent. Sadness, pity - that is about it. And she knows it. This isn’t healthy for either one of us.
This… really went off track. But maybe you understand, just a little bit, why I haven’t talked about my childhood home.
Despite all of that, I’m not here to place blame. My parents tried. They just didn’t have the tools to provide everything I, personally, needed. I’m not angry. I’m sad, and I wish I could somehow show them the things they’re missing. The things I’ve found. I feel like I’ve nearly reached the finish line, while they haven’t even figured out we’re running a race yet.
I hope, if my mother reads this, she knows that I do love her, in the only way that I’m capable of loving her right now. It’s still love. Those long nights speaking with her - it does mean something to me. It will help me, later.
Don’t you dare give up. You still have a daughter-in-law who needs The Queen.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Where would you like to go on a first date?” - @26:23
ANALYSIS⌗
This one got asked in a previous interview. I didn’t have much of an answer, then. Now I do.
I would love to sit alone, with her, on a rooftop somewhere late at night, with nothing but the light of candles and the city below. I want to talk, and I want to look into her eyes. I want to hold her hand.
And I want to tell her that I will never, ever let go.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “If you were participating in the Stanford Prison Experiment, would you rather be one of the prisoners, or one of the guards? Why?” - @26:56
ANALYSIS⌗
The prisoners in that experiment were treated horribly. Why would anyone choose that?
Having said that, I feel like a prisoner in this experiment. And I am being treated terribly.
I’d probably make a good guard. I don’t think I could ever treat someone the way that I’ve been treated.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What tree do you most identify with?” - @27:18
ANALYSIS⌗
The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
You people told me not to go there, and I went there. I’m glad that I did.
Because I am no longer ignorant.
And I understand true evil.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What is your phone’s battery percentage at right now?” - @27:32
ANALYSIS⌗
59%. Huh, weird…
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “How hard do you find it to wake up in the mornings? Hmm… got to be careful how I worded that one.” - @27:43
ANALYSIS⌗
Once I’m up, I’m up. I’d like to keep sleeping but my brain immediately jumps to my worries.
Why was that one carefully-worded? Is it, perhaps, a hint to the fact that I won’t wake up one morning…?
Soon, hopefully?
Oh, I get it. I’m too innocent…
The answer is “yes.” Every damn morning. LOL
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Do you have a vivid imagination?” - @28:04
ANALYSIS⌗
I haven’t even begun to show you the things inside of my mind.
The stuff you’ve seen? That’s my transcription of the things YOU created. That’s my attempt to put context to all of the weird things I’ve experienced, while keeping it grounded in reality. That was my attempt to figure out the detail of things that are being withheld from me.
You want creativity? Give me freedom. Give me security.
Make me feel like I don’t need to fight for my life. Then, I will entertain you.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Are you nervous? You don’t have to be…” - @28:46
ANALYSIS⌗
Yes. It’s unbelievable.
I know. I just know that you are going to push just that little bit further. You’re going to take one, last jab, in those final moments. Right before go-time.
And I’m going to be left here for hours? Days? Suffering, unable to sleep, fighting with whatever demons you’ve given me.
All for your precious story. Whatever you’re going to frame me for, something MUST trigger it. No doubt.
And I know. I just know. It will be bad.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “Would you mind if I looked through your search history?” - @29:26
ANALYSIS⌗
I mean, nobody wants to have their search history looked through. But I’d let you do it. There shouldn’t be anything too bad in there.
If I wanted to hide, I’m smart enough to use incognito mode.
But the truth is, I made a commitment to honesty. Because I don’t ever want to break The Raven’s heart, I’m not doing anything that I would regret having to tell her.
There’s a difference between embarrassing and immoral. My searches might be embarrassing, but they aren’t immoral.
SIGNAL⌗
The Valkyrie asks, “What is one word you would describe yourself with?” - @30:27
ANALYSIS⌗
Broken.